An Interview With Klaus Barbi

Location: 'die endgültige Lösung' Ranch, 125 Clicks NW of La Paz
Weather: Stinking Hot


Note: To simplify matters, I have taken the liberty of removing German phraseology, and, at Herr Barbi's insistance many names have either been changed, or simply initialed, Herr Barbi is not the kind of man who would rat out his friends or goose a passing peasant boy just for fun. The comments in this interview are not necessarily those of the interviewer, publisher or any other loosely associated third party. Herr Barbi's rights remain in the Bolivian jungle until the day he is finally extradited to Paris on trumped up charges and paraded before a kangaroo court of lesser specimens.


TLK: Herr Barbi . . .
KB: Herr Altman.
TLK: Yes all apologies, Herr Altman, thank you for your time & hospitality today . . .
KB: Huh, I have all of the time in the world, & then some my foolish friend.
TLK: Of course, now, if I might begin . . .
KB: No no, first we must talk of the sex change.
TLK: What?
KB: It was Herr, uh, ah fuck it, the Angel, yes, it was Herr Angel's research & procedural techniques that permits you to sit there in front of me today pushing our your titties, are they real?
TLK: Uh, yes, but . . .
KB: Could I feel them, for verification purposes?
TLK: Maybe later, but first . . .
KB: Who did this work to you?
TLK: What work?
KB: Come come my cherub, no need to be shy around uncle Klaus, we are both men of the world, ha, my apologies of course dear frauline.
TLK: No problemo, but look, I think we ought to address more pertinent matters than anatomical parts . . .
KB: But my child, there are few more beautiful things than how you say . . . pointy, no, perky, yes! Like the pigs eh? You know the pigs?
TLK: What?
KB: The pink swine, they sing you know, and dance too, yes, dancing pigs!
TLK: No, I don't know them, are they some kind of secret police?
KB: The pigs? Ha! No, although now you come to mention it, your breasts have a wonderful curvature to them.
TLK: Well thanks again, is there a woman in your life Herr B---------- Altman?
KB: NEVER! Women are the sporn of Satan, no, no women in uncle Klaus's life.
TLK: A boy?
KB: WHAT! How dare you, as if a former high-ranking official of the n . . .
TLK: Nazi party?
KB: I know nothing of this organization, nothing I tell you goddamnit!
TLK: My apologies Herr Altman, I did not mean to insinuate.
KB: Have they done your bottoms too?
TLK: My bottoms?
KB: Yes yes, you know, your wurst eh?
TLK: My wurst?
KB: Goddamn this incessant heat is intolerable, yes, your, what you say in gringo, your doodle eh, your sausagemeat?
TLK: Oh, that. Well, I think that's my business Herr Altman don't you.
KB: In the uh, the uh, the uh, the uh, vacation camps, many tried to cut off their own doodles & some doodles got cut off, that's the thing about doodles.
TLK: The vacation camps?
KB: I saw about them on discovery, no wait, history channel, vicious bastards those Germans, eh?
TLK: You're not German?
KB: Never! I am a citizen of Bolivia, always have been, yes, I pay my goddamned taxes & abide by the law, such as it is.
TLK: Are the laws tough here?
KB: No, no laws, but the police are swine.
TLK: They harrass you?
KB: Constantly, for currency.
TLK: Extortion?
KB: Uhm, execution?
TLK: They try to execute you?
KB: They could never do it, I have influence, now, about your doodle eh, show me it dear girl, show uncle Klaus your doodle, perhaps I can help, I know many idle surgeons eh?
TLK: That's very kind of you Herr Altman, although I think the state of my doodle is my business, don't you?
KB: Why no! You are a fascinating creature, the world should see your doodle, it will make many old men from Ber---- Budapest very happy!
TLK: Budapest is in Hungary.
KB: From when?
TLK: Uh, from about ever.
KB: The swine!
TLK: Who?
KB: Whoever put it there goddamn them all to hell, & my god, this heat is merciless.
TLK: But you would be acclimatized to it no, being Bolivian?
KB: Ah! Yes, of course of course, but it is still merciless, the heat, and Budapest.
TLK: Budapest is merciless?
KB: Why yes, it always was, as I recollect.
TLK: So you've journeyed Herr Altman?
KB: Indeed indeed, for many years, many many years, yes, like uylesses.
TLK: Very interesting. Where have you traveled?
KB: Nowhere, of course, I have never left Bolivia, home sweet home eh? Home home on the range, where the drugs & the drugbarons roam eh!
TLK: You know of this, drugs?
KB: I know nothing of it beautiful frauline, come, show uncle Klaus your perky titties eh?
TLK: That would be the final solution then?
KB: WHAT! How dare you mention that filth in my home, I know nothing of it.
TLK: Not from Budapest?
KB: What is this fucking shit with Budapest? Who cares about it, where it is, where it was, where the fuck it went in-between eh?
TLK: It didn't go anywhere Herr Altman.
KB: So you say, indeed, and Berlin?
TLK: That never went anywhere either, apart from to shit.
KB: Sad sad times, for some, I presume.
TLK: Is that a pistol in your hand Herr Altman?
KB: Or in my pants eh! This? Yes, this was a gift from Herr . . .
TLK: Hitler?
KB: That filthly little Austrian peasant hah! I spit on him, phew.
TLK: Can you stop waving the gun around Herr Altman, you're making me nervous.
KB: Or excited yes? The nipples never lie my sweet honeynest.
TLK: Pot.
KB: What?
TLK: Honeypot, not honeynest.
KB: Well yes, if you insist, now, the titties eh?
TLK: Uh, please don't point that pistol at me Herr Altman, or that either thanks.
KB: But the heat, the itching, the sweat, dear god.
TLK: Is that loaded?
KB: This, or this?
TLK: Both.
KB: Oh yes, only an imbecile would wave an unloaded gun about, eh?
TLK: It is rather warm actually, & oh my, look at the time I really must . . .
KB: But first I think, you have a little something for uncle Klaus huh?
TLK: Uh, no.
KB: But I insist, you see, I am a man of simple pleasures frauline, as you will learn, and now, if you don't mind . . .